Today I am battling with the will of God and my own will. Which is which…….?
I have spent most of my years roaming through my life doing as I please. Behaving like the alpha female in a pack of Wild Dogs, moving fast, hunting, devouring and scavenging at times. This chaos came to a halt when God said “Enough!”. Life’s trials came like another predator from the sidelines, knocking me off balance and wounding me deeply.
Slowly gentle Creator Spirit has held me tight through the turmoil of the lessons. Gently, gently my beloved Spirit Creator has asked me to trust both of us. Daily my Creator has reminded me to trust the will of my blessedly created life, has reminded me that my wanton roaming was part of this blessed created life because I had to come to a point where I trusted Her.
I feel conflicted about knowing what God’s will is. I am at a point where I am totally willing to surrender, but being an Enneagram Two, the helper, I fight God because I am the helper – not God. I can help myself, not God. Maybe that is what Richard Rohr means when he talks of learning from who we are through our paradoxes, that we are “two sides to the coin”, and that our mistakes and failures are our greatest teachers (RR 9 March 2020).
At the beginning of this year, 2020, my beloved creator asked me to trust her. I said I would and that I would also trust myself. So as today unfolds, I make another attempt to step back, trust God just for today. Let today unfold as God wills. No more wanton alpha female roaming like a scavenger or predator.
God is not predatory, God told us to be perfect like he is. God is gentle, loving and patient with the process and journey, God is the destination.
Sharon Grussendorf in her book Contemplative living has a few chapters on acceptance, surrender, resignation and kenosis. She says:
What we are invited to grow into is the assurance that no matter what chaos this moment gives rise to, God is able to work everything for the good….And so the invitation is for us to participate with what unfolds, here and now, to open our hearts and minds to the depth dimension that exists in every moment, no matter what its content may be, knowing that we are unshakeably held in God, that our well being and essential identity rests in the mercy of God and not in the circumstances of our lives.”
Today I have a plan and I know deep in my whole being that God created the plan, my motives and actions. My plan is to be me, just like the alpha female wild dog is who she is.
