Lockdown opened a new life for me while most people worldwide faced their own mortality and that of their loved ones and friends. I lost friends too but not at the rate I am losing new friends now.
In June 2020 exactly two years ago I came to Kenton on Sea with my brother Larry to spend three months of lockdown in the cottage of family friends. That was the beginning of my return to the nursing profession I left 30 years ago. Being here brought me back into the life of a friend I trained as a nurse in the late 1970s. She did not hesitate to ask me to join her at Dolphin Coast Nursing Home for the aged. The last thing I ever expected was to willingly go back into the nursing profession and find yet another niche in my diverse eclectic life.
Now since April 2022 I have become the matron of this wonderful home that cares for 21 people who are facing challenging geriatric or not-so-geriatric health issues like dementia, broken bones, strokes etc. I am not even questioning why I am here, because it just feels right at my age of nearly 67, where I bring my diverse lived experience of as much joy as there has been pain.
In November 2020 I did the Soul Carer course with Dr. Mary Ryan assisting people at the end of life through their dying process. Little did I know how valuable that training would become for me.
In this past week of mid July, I have stood by three people with whom I have had very deep transformative experiences. I can’t let it go, hence writing to process it.
The first death was someone who was not with us for long. He was young and had the most severe form of dementia I have ever experienced. He was very difficult to care for as he could not even comprehend how to sit down or stand up. His brain was in a tangle and could no longer function. His presence disturbed me. He was tall and strong. In the last month of his life he deteriorated so fast that he became thin and weak. He just stopped swallowing and gradually over two days his breathing slowed down and he was gone. He was very tormented and anxious, probably because of his dementia, but when he started to shut down, I think there was a small bit of peace in his expression. However, I remain disturbed by him.
The second was a man who had been with us since I started working at Dolphin. He had a very complex Parkinson’s with Dementia. But he was a powerful character. Strong in body and filled with love, emotion, intelligence and zest. His essence was strong, he must have been energetic, commanding, clever as well as gentle, loving and compassionate. Those characteristics did come through in spite of his severe illness. He participated fully in our Sunday Communion Service and all prayer we had in the lounge. He never left his chair for two years except to go to the bathroom. Even at home before he came to Dolphin, for months he did not go to bed. In the last weeks of his life, we prayed for his release from this world. His body was shrunken to the bone, he was completely skeletal. One week before he died, for two days in a row he said the Our Father at our – start of the day – prayer meeting. We stood in silence, feeling the sacredness his prayer had brought into the room. The day before he died I gave him communion, but I have a sense that his soul had already left his body. On the day he died, we held hands in a circle around him and sang then, we took him to his bed, at last he could lie in a bed. We never left his side all morning until he took his last breath. I was with him. I had to relax my body and become present to myself in those last few minutes. I was so tense and I had to breath consciously and deeply to celebrate that moment with him when he was taken to new life.
Then on the same day another death came quickly, we knew it was imminent but not so quick. He was not with us for very long and I did not like him at all when he arrived. He was aggressive, racist, loud and impossible. But he soon quietened down. When he was rudely racist to the carers, I was outspoken in my distaste to him for his language and behaviour. Then, he started to participate in our Sunday Communion Service and soon quietened down. Gradually over a few weeks, there was a massive transformation within. He asked for communion and wanted to participate in any prayer or communion we had. He cried many times. His wife was delighted when I told her the day before he died how he had transformed. She thought he would never make it to heaven.
But, my love and tolerance for him also went through a massive transformation. I realised how important unconditional love is and how our beloved God sees through our messy behaviour while we navigate through our lives. I want to see through that messy behaviour of mine and others as well.
I came home and lit a candle for all three of them. They are with me today. I am emotional and tearful, I think that will always happen and for my processing of these experiences, it feels right.
My job is not a job. It is bringing my whole lived experience into the lives of those who are facing death as well as their loved ones walking alongside them. I bring myself and my history, I bring my spirituality and my contemplative action into an entire community of carers, their history and lived experience, the one we care for and their history, lived experience, and their loved ones. The community is united and close.
We are accompanied by the Holy Spirit and all our angels. The area is dense with angels and we are fully aware that we walk on sacred ground.
